You Are a Mom

As I was hurrying to clean my house before a foster home licensing worker visit, I was thinking about how dirty my house was.  In fact, I was overwhelmed with trying to get it all “perfect” for the visit.  I was worried what she would think when she came into my home.  Then I stopped and just had to laugh at myself.  Yes, I had toys out.  Yes, there was spilled Sprite in several places (and who knows what else) in the kitchen from earlier in the week or was that last week’s dinner.  Yes, I don’t have any idea the last time I vacuumed my house.  Yes, there were several pairs of shoes at each door.  It wasn’t a show house, but it wasn’t filthy, either.  It was just lived in.  Sometimes (ok many times) we can be our own worst critic.

Later as I was driving around running errands, I got thinking about visits I have done for my church responsibilities, as a Court Appointed Special Advocate, and as a friend.  I know several of the moms thought some of the same things I did today.  But I never saw that when I was there.  I only saw a home that was lived in.  I started composing this in my head.  How might we see the things closest to us?  The “You” could be the thoughts of each one of us at some point in our lives when we have someone stop by our house.  The “ME” is how it can be seen through Heaven’s Eyes - a good friend, someone who truly understands, or even our Father in Heaven.

You: “Are they here already?  But there are still Cheerios all over the floor”

ME: “You have children in the home learning to use their little small fingers to pick things up.  They love to make that fact known.  You are a MOM”

__________________________________________________________________

You: “Who could be coming over right now?  There are piles of laundry all over.”

ME: “You have enough clothing for you and your kids.  You are taking care of them.  Enjoy this time. You are a MOM.”

__________________________________________________________________

You: “There are shoes all over in front of the door. No one can even walk inside my house and I have to get to the door to be able to answer it?!?!”

ME: “You have little feet who like to be free from shoes.  They announce their presence as soon as they arrive home.  You are a MOM.”

__________________________________________________________________

You: “I can NOT believe she chose today to just stop by.  The kitchen is all torn apart because I was in the middle of mopping when I had to pick up kids from school.  There hasn’t been time with them home and all the after school activities to finish it yet.”

ME: “Life is a process.  You have children who know they are loved.  You will get to things when you can.  You are a MOM.”

__________________________________________________________________

You: “There are papers everywhere.  The kids just dump them out of their backpacks when they get home.  Why can’t they just put them away?”

ME: “Your kids are in school.  They are learning some amazing things.  Sometimes they need that gentle reminder.  You are a MOM.”

__________________________________________________________________

You: “There are kid’s projects taking over the table, the floor, the couch, the stairs, or where ever they can work on something.  How can we even get to the table to eat?”

ME: “Your kids are creative.  They are in the middle of something amazing.  You are a MOM.”  

__________________________________________________________________

You: “I am still in my pajamas and it is almost lunch time.  The kids are still it their pajamas.  Did someone really just knock on the door?”

ME: “You had the privilege of having a morning at home.  Your kids didn’t have to rush to do anything or get anywhere.  You are able to go at their pace this morning.  You are a MOM.”

 

I was able to spend the rest of the day looking for the potential I see in being a Mom and those tender moments that are going to be gone before I know it.  Life is a learning process and sometimes we just have to take it in stride.

Start It!

I recently saw an old clip of Bob Newhart.   His patient was telling him that she was terrified of being buried alive in a box. She went on and on about her fears and how they were restricting her activities and causing her problems.
 
Bob then replied that he could cure her with two words: STOP IT!

He told her to stop thinking about being buried alive.  Stop thinking about her fears. That was it. Case closed. She would be cured if she would just STOP IT. Well, naturally, she wasn't sold on his advice.

I think that in order to stop something, you have to start something else.  You have to replace the wrong behavior with a better behavior.  Instead of telling your child to stop being noisy, ask him if he can whisper quieter than you can or ask him funny questions in a whisper so he has to listen carefully to hear you.

Instead of telling your children to stop leaving their clothes on the floor, tell them to start hanging them on the Spider-Man hooks you just bought or start putting their dirty clothes in the flower laundry basket in their room.

If you're in the car, instead of telling your children to stop fighting, ask them to start counting how many white cars they see driving down the street.  If you're home and they're fighting, ask them to count how many windows are in your whole house.

Get it? Distract them from the wrong thoughts, behaviors and actions and give them new actions, thoughts and behaviors to do. You can't take away something --without replacing it with something else; that would be negative space, a black hole, a void.

It works for adults too. I'm going to STOP wasting time on the computer.  Instead, I will make a list of things I need/want to do and look at the list when I have a few extra moments.

So my advice, Bob Newhart, would be to START IT!
                                                        

 Submitted by Cathy Shepherd

This essay was also posted on the National American Mother's website.

Thank You!

 School Kits for Foster Kids was a success!  We were able to gather some supplies, clothing, and cash (which we turned into gift cards at JC Penny) for these kids in Foster Care.  The clothing, gift cards, and some supplies went to some kids in Kinship Care, where they are being taken care of by members of their extended family who have very limited resources.  The rest of the supplies went to kids in foster care all over the Northern Arizona Region.  They are always in need of clothing, so if you would still like to participate, just let us know!

I just wanted to send out a HUGE THANKS to all those who helped us make this possible.  It was so nice for these kids to get something new.  I also wanted to give a THANKS to JC Penny at the Flagstaff Mall.  They made sure these families could participate is a special invitation event that had a great discount on the clothing they purchased. 

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!

Update - School Kits for Foster Kids

Just wanted to post a quick update!

Looks like we were able to join forces with some other organizations, plus add to it individual supply donations and the kids we are working with are ALL getting backpacks full of school supplies!  I am so grateful!!!

Now we are focusing on getting them school clothes that fit them.  I am still trying to determine the best way to do that, so I'll have to get back with you if there is a "perfect" way.

Currently on my list are:
* Gently used clothes - mostly tweens and teens.
* New clothes - mostly tweens and teens.
* PayPal donations - all monies to be used to purchase the clothes.
* Gift Cards to places like Wal-Mart and Target so they can purchase the clothes.

If you have any more ideas for me, I'll take any suggestions you might have!

Thanks to all those who are helping get these kids a good start at school this year!

School Kits for Foster Kids

We have been a licensed foster family for the past 8 years.  During that time, we have had the privilege of caring for 11 different foster children in our home.  Some have stayed for as long as 18 months, while others were only here for a few days.  It has been one of the most learning and growing experiences our family has had.  A parent's love is not limited to feelings toward biological children.  For us, that love was there for each little one, regardless of their length of stay in our home.  We loved them, helped them, taught them, then worked with them to be reunited with their families.  People ask me how I did it.  Sometimes I wonder that myself.  But it was an experience that taught me the love of family (whatever that looks like) transcends barriers, is wider than we can comprehend, and is all encompassing.

The common theme for each of these kids is that they just needed someone to care for them.  Regardless of the specific circumstances that brought them into foster care, their families are struggling, and helping those families rebuild takes work.  The state tries to help, encouraging the parents, looking for extended family to care for the kids, and offering resources for both the kids and the parents.  Many times, the state does fall short, but they are trying to make these situations safer for the kids.  Often state resources are insufficient to meet the needs of these children.  I've seen several instances where extended family members take in children - which is called Kinship Care.  These amazing families care for these kids because they want them to be able to stay with their own families.  The state funds for kids in Kinship Care are close to non-existent.   Imagine the strain on these families financially, to take in extra children and then not be given enough funds to truly take care of them.  Sometimes it is just one child.  Most times, there will be several children ranging in age from newborn - 18 years old. 

Why did I share all this with you?  The service project I am spearheading for Arizona American Mothers is to help some of these families here in Coconino County be able to send the kids in their care to school with clothes, backpacks, shoes and basic school supplies.  I would appreciate your help in making this happen. 

Over this next week, I am collecting extra school supplies, clothes (and yes we will accept gently used clothing!!!!), backpacks, gift cards to purchase clothing or supplies, and on-line donations to PayPal to the email ArizonaAMI@gmail.com.

If you have any questions, ideas, or just want to let me know you have donations I can pick up from you, please contact me at the Arizona American Mothers email - ArizonaAMI@gmail.com.  If you are not in Coconino County and still want to help with this specific project, the easiest way is through the Arizona American Mothers' PayPal account.  If you have items you would like to donate, send me an email and we can see if we can figure something out.  I will be down in the Phoenix area towards the end of the month and could pick items up then if you have something to contribute.

I know these families, the children, and all those who work with these families and kids will appreciate any kind of help they can get.

Interview with Mari Goodman - 2013 Arizona Mother of Achievement

Born the oldest of four children in South Jordan, Utah., Mari Goodman learned the value of family unity at her mother’s knees. After high school, Mari attended Brigham Young University and earned her Bachelor’s of Science degree in Chemical Engineering. She is a mother of two girls and has been the foster mother of eleven more children. She and her husband have been involved as licensed foster parents and respite care providers since 2005. Mari runs a blog journaling their adoption efforts along with their family activities at paulandmariadoption.blogspot.com. When she is not spending quality time with her family, she volunteers in her children’s schools, spearheads service projects for the annual Flagstaff Faith in Action Day, and leads a women’s organization of one hundred fifty women. Mari’s latest undertaking is a joint business venture with her sister.

I asked Mari some questions and here are her answers:

1.       How do you balance your time with your husband, children and church/community efforts?

        Sometimes I can do the balancing act better than others.  A lot of the time, I try to include my family in our efforts for the church or the community.   When I have taken meals to families who need it, the girls help make it (ok they sometimes helped) and help me hold it in the car.  When we created a play room/visitation room at CPS for children and their families, the girls and Paul were right there with me - painting the walls, cleaning toys, and donating some of their books and toys.  There are times they haven't been able to help me with things.  In my efforts to balance everything, we try to make sure we have designated family time each week - making an effort to eat dinner together most nights, reading scriptures together, and one night spending time together.  Paul and I also try to make sure we go on dates frequently.  Sometimes that means we go out (dinner, hiking, movie, etc) and sometimes that means playing games together after the kids are in bed.

2.       What advice has helped you the most in raising your children?

        "Remember they are only little for a short time."  "Enjoy each stage."  Yeah, some of the stages are more challenging than others, but finding something in there you can find a positive spin on helps  more than you would think it does.

3.       What have you done/are doing with your children that is very successful?

        I asked the girls to help me answer this one.

*One said the effort we take to make sure we do things together as a family.  Having a family game night, going exploring, eating dinner together, jeep rides, road trips, etc.

*The other one said doing new and different activities together.

         When we first moved to Flagstaff, one thing we tried to do was go see/do something new each month.  As the years have gone by, we aren't able to make that work each month any more, but we are always looking for something new to try out.  Now a lot of the time, we take family or friends to all the amazing places we have found around Northern Arizona.   Our latest "new adventure" was going to Slide Rock with cousins - the girls have never been there before.   It was so much fun one pair of shorts didn't make it - that many times down "the slide" kind of tore up those shorts.  Water shoes are highly recommended for this adventure as well.  So one of the girls got new water shoes from the little convenience store there - hers were too small and they didn't make it into the car that morning.

Interview with Judy Ward - 2013 Mother of the Year

           

When Judy and her husband, Grant Ward, came to Arizona 44 years ago, they came for a job but this Idaho couple soon found that not only did they love Arizona but that they were raising “Arizona” children in a very wonderful place.  (When they left Idaho it had been 53 degrees below zero that winter.  They turned on the air conditioning in March—they have adapted.)  Judy is very proud of her seven children and 35 grandchildren.  Her children were all involved in sports, honor students, class officers, all attended college and three have advanced degrees.  Her boys were all Eagle Scouts and served 2 year missions for their church.
            “Mothering” for Judy included years of P.T.O., tutoring, Joy School, Booster Club, Little League (for 25years), community and church service, driving to lessons, and many times wanting to yell—“wait for me, I am your leader”.  In 1979 when she didn’t want to send her son with a late birthday to school, and armed with her degree in Elementary Education, she began a pre-school with a good friend in her home.  Beginning with 24 children, her “Sunshine School” soon grew to 32 children a year for 25 years.  Sunshine School was a family project, and was a blessing to the whole family, especially to Judy who loves teaching and children.  After her children were older she had pre-school 2 days a week and 3 days a week she volunteered at Deseret Industries teaching adults to read. 

            Judy is very aware that there is no such thing as a “Mother of the Year” but is very grateful to be chosen this year’s mother who gets to stand up for the Mothers of Arizona. Mothering she knows is her life”.

Here are some questions I asked Judy, with her responses:


1. Looking back on raising your family, what are one or two things you did that you feel played an important part in helping your children grow up to be responsible adults.

Meaningful Experiences

When our children were very small someone once said to me “You get what you expect”, and it stuck with me.  We expected our children to be responsible.  Having said that, it sounds so strict and pressure filled that it could be awful.  It wasn’t, because it was tempered with the knowledge that they needed to be taught, that no effort should be criticized and that we loved them unconditionally.  I hope that the “letter of the law” was more important than the law.  I hope always the child was more important than our expectations.  I think it’s also very important for children to solve their own problems, or at least I wanted to be able to always support them but determine which of their problems they could solve and which they needed help.  I didn’t ever want to be the “camp director”, making all the decisions and telling my children their every move.  My children, at very early ages could “clean” their own rooms, fix simple meals and do their homework.  That does not mean that on Sunday we could always find everyone’s Sunday shoes or that everything ran smoothly and that I didn’t make charts, goal setters, bribes by the score!  But they did, I hope, realize that being responsible was important to our family.  I wanted them to know that being responsible was part of who they are. 

 2. You taught preschool in your home for many years. What tips would you give mothers with young children?

   Be very selfish—possessive of their time.  Mothers are pressured and tempted on every side with “advantages” for their children—dance, piano, karate lessons, play group, pre-school, etc.  Ages 0-5 you do not have to share.  You’ll want to broaden their horizon, but it’s your time to teach.  Be discriminating about outside the home activities.  Children need time to play (play is a child’s work) and to be taught to solve problems, to be taught to be creative and to think creatively as well as have a strong, but simple foundation “of who they, taught by you, their mother who loves them.

             At the age of five they enter school.  They face competition, more demands on their time, a school year that keeps getting longer and longer, people who may or may not act like they like them, and an arena, I fear, that treats them like little adults instead of children.  Children need a childhood!  A loving childhood—where imagination is king and family is everything!

             I have a new favorite quote from Albert Einstein—“Imagination is more important than knowledge”.  Imagination can carry you all your life—knowledge changes and can be lost and forgotten.  Imagination must be taught and nurtured when the child is young.

 3. What advice would you give mothers with teenagers?

  A mother’s role with teenagers is a weird one.  Where the mother leads ages 0-12, I think at 12 the father takes the lead.  At a time (12) when parents start to let go—to begin the evolution of child into adult, mothers do all the “creature comfort” support, longer listening ear, clean clothes, food, home to bring friends to, etc.; fathers support with their strength.  I think it’s easier to stand alone to learn to be more independent when you know you have that kind of support from your parents.  Many teenagers tend to begin to shut you out of their lives—not intentionally but as part of the growth pattern.  So listening and being an active supporter becomes an even more important factor in mothering.  Listen while you drive them to school, listen when they want to talk—don’t just go to games and play on your cell phone—know how and why your child made that home run!  Volunteer at the schools.  You’ll be a part of their world—but not.   You’ll know what they’re talking, or not talking, about.  One of my favorite stories of support—at a football game Sammy made a touchdown and Sammy’s mother, is so excited that she runs up and down the stand crying “My son just made a homerun”!  My favorite story?  My favorite story because that’s just the kind of mother I wanted to be! (Okay so she was new to football, but she did learn).  She was her son’s own personal cheerleader—Priceless!! Teenage years are difficult for the child, they need cheerleaders!

Interview with Tamara Passey, Arizona Young Mother of the Year 2013

Tamara Passey grew up in Massachusetts and as the youngest of seven children she has always had a strong love of family.  Writing has been her favorite hobby and family members have usually been her source of inspiration.  She won awards for poetry in high school and has had an article and poem accepted for publication in The Ensign magazine.

    While studying English at Brigham Young University she met, and later married Steven Passey.  They have lived in Arizona since 1997 and are the parents of three children.  They love to call Arizona home, and she says they’ve been married 20 happy years and counting.

    Tamara has spent time volunteering at the schools her children attend.  She has also mentored young women and served in an international organization that aids women.  She has volunteered for the Donor Network of Arizona and is a contributor of marriage and parenting articles for FamilyShare.com.

    A few of the many things she enjoys about being a mom include doing almost anything creative with her children, though she claims they are craftier than she.  Having a sit down breakfast when everyone is home is a favorite family activity.  She loves story time, family hugs, and seeing her children’s beautiful smiles.

 Here are a few questions I asked Tamara and her responses:

1. How are you teaching your children to become responsible?

 

I hope I'm teaching them by example. I let them know I love being their mother, even on hard days. I try to show them taking responsibility brings great benefits like feelings of self-worth and accomplishment. They take part in household chores and we (my husband and I) stress we are a family and we help each other with the work that needs to get done.

2. What do you do when you and your child disagree about a family decision?

 

I think we must work it out because I can't think of too many instances where this has been a problem. I credit my children with being rather easygoing in this regard. If it is truly a family decision, we make it together and take time to discuss everyone's thoughts and feelings. Now, don't ask me how we decide where to eat out together as a family! Between special diets, preferences and two children with severe (epi-pen required) peanut allergies --it can take a while!

3. What advice would you give young moms?

 

Learn your gifts and talents. Help your children discover theirs.

Don't be afraid or embarrassed to be a full-time mother. It is hard and happy work and oh, so important.

Reach out to other mothers of all ages for support, friendship and fun. 

Remember that you won't always be so sleep-deprived and your children will benefit from your love.